This post is a continuation of follow ups in my treatment process for ADHD. I usually post after I meet with my doctors, but this post is going to flip the scrip a little and address what, more than likely, we’ll be discussing in our session.
I have had some monumental strides since my diagnosis, and I don’t use monumental lightly. Some may not agree, because all that is changing has yet to manifest in deeds done, just yet…but trust me…they will. To the average person my changes maybe matter of fact issues in other’s lives. In mine…I have lived the parable of “a little leven leaveneth the whole lump.” It was the little things that ignited and set a blaze to my challenges.
Yet, the pendulum of life swings both ways.
For all the strides I have enjoyed, there have been battles along the way. I made reference to a few in my last update, but the one I’m dealing with now comes from within. It’s difficult to not use ADHD as a excuse for the mistakes in my life, but it is a fact that because of it, the majority of my life has been affected *remember a little leven leaveneth the whole lump*
My medication has a side effect of insomnia. That works in and out of my favor. For example: My work schedule goes late into the night…good 🙂 I often stay awake until my next shift…bad 🙁 I’ve been mentioning that to you all, but haven’t exposed the whole story. The medication isn’t the only thing keeping me awake and I think it will pass, but it has gotten increasingly intense lately.
I can best explain it this way.
Disclaimer: Let me first say this has never physically happened to me and of course I hope to keep it that way. But I use the example for illustrative purposes only.
Prior to being able to truly focus *still a major work in progress*, acting self centered wasn’t unusual. When things would happen or something negative occurred because of my lack of…whatever, I felt it…but only like a pinch. It stung and even lingered, but only superficially. Now? The emotional pain is overwhelming
*this is where the disclaimer comes in*
Picture me being administered Novocain to numb my body and then shot close range with a firearm. I know I’m shot, I feel the initial hits *the pinch I mentioned* but no real pain until the Novocain wears off…and it’s now wearing off. All that I didn’t feel initially, is now coming to surface the more the numbness is subsiding. The hard part for me is that I know there is more coming.
I’m 41 years old *well thank you!…I think I look pretty good myself!* and just think for a moment. A lifetime with family, some lifetime friends, 20+ years current ministerial relationships and the years of accountability prior to that in my former church, nearly 12 years martial and fatherhood relationships, 18 years of educational issues, many years of various personal and business relationships….and on and on… It is as though I’m reliving the pain of each incident the way I “should” have and not like I actually did.
That right there…can keep you up for a few nights at a time.
The first question you may ask *like I did* is it the medication? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just making me super emotional or something. I then think, well maybe my reordering things in my head and seeing life differently has caused me to stop living in the denial of what my disorder has caused and I’m just now dealing and purging. It really doesn’t matter how this came about, the end result of what I feel is real.
Now I have to say no one is holding the past over my head *not even me* and I know you all still love me regardless. And I’m not on a quilt trip. Really for me it is…what it is.
It hurts…I cry…I pray…and I go on with my day.
It is what completes my pendulum swing. I am continually confident that in the end, I will be better because of the stage in this process and its working for my good…hurt and all. Given enough time a pendulum becomes less exaggerated in its swing, slows down and eventually rest in the middle.
I’m working towards the rest in the middle.