I remember some years ago when our high school class was in the midst of planning our ten year reunion. We joked that at that time, classmates will try to impress each other, marriages will be new and kidless and we basically would just be starting our lives. We laughed and said, wait to the twenty reunion. Kids will have shown up in the picture and some people with be on the second or third marriage. Again we laughed, not realizing how true our words would become.
The other day I went to visit a friend that does some work for me, but I haven’t seen him in a few couple of years. After we exchanged pleasantries and we talked business, we began catching up and he dropped a load on me. He and his wife were in the midst of a divorce. I was shocked……but not really. He began to share his story with me and it was one that I have heard on more than one occasion. Much of what he was telling me I can attest to in my own marriage at any given time. So of course the more I hear those stories, the deeper the cut.
A close friend years ago before either one of us were married talked about the “Love Triangle” he explained to me that in a marriage if any of the following are out of order…you will have issues. They are listed in no particular order.
Communication as well as the other two points in the love triangle are really simple, but always becomes more complected that it should. Talking to each other, sharing how you feel about situations and letting each other know what the other is doing is key in any partnership, marriage business or otherwise. But a lot of times we let anger or spite close down the channels of communication. Or my favorite, we don’t want to deal with what we “think” our partner will say or how they will react so we just say nothing. The less you say the bigger the gap becomes within your relationship and again with the other two points of the triangle, when the gap grows it opens the door to outsiders either leaving their options in your partner to grow and separate you further or leaves a void for someone else to fill.
I can’t speak on the abundance of money creating havoc in relationships. That hasn’t been my reality. Maybe you know someone like that but not me. When it has come to the love triangle and the majority of the people I know, it has been the lack of money that has caused grave issue with couples. With todays economy you may only have one of the partners working, both unemployed or employed with not enough wages to keep up the the downfall of the economy. Many couples live paycheck to paycheck, so any variation off the budget or plan (if they even have one) can cause major chaos within the relationship. Even if you have communication in tact, the lack of finance in the home will cause stress and strain and can easily make a happy home an unhappy one. You start off with joint accounts to separate accounts to hidden accounts from you partner and the beginning of defrauding in your relationship.
3. Sex (or the lack thereof)
We live in a very open society. One where the opportunity to defraud on your marriage has grown with the advent of the internet. There are even websites that promote stepping out on your mate. Their tag line is “Have an affair…Life is short.” This without problems in a relationship. But sex does not happen when you don’t communicate and if there is tension regarding finances…don’t even think about it. Many people get “bored” in the intimacy but they don’t communicate their feelings and begin to look for the excitement elsewhere. Unfortunately many men try to turn their mates into adult dvd stars over night and find just like in any movie, it’s not the same. So their quest sends them in other directions. The woman is look for the intimacy that starts in her mind and builds up into the act of love making. But their mates won’t take the time to nurture what was gifted to them. And it doesn’t take much for someone else to speak the right words to open that door to unfaithfulness. It’s bad enough with so many outside influences hurt intimacy, but with the stress of no communication and lack of money you fall into a deep hole of separation and the only thing you begin to agree on and communicate about is divorcing.
Usually if there is only one issue to deal with at a time, that issue will pass in time. It is when the are all out of loop that causes the most problems.
Back to my friend. What shocked me more than his going though the divorce is the fact that it could be me having the same conversation just like many other couples for that matter. The question becomes do you choose to stay and work or cut your losses. I have seen both the happiness of divorce (oxymoron I know) with some couples and I’ve seen what hurt and damage it has caused. Either way a choice has to be made.
So how’s your love triangle?
Do you have a balance that can weather the storms of life?
Leave a comment, I would like to know your opinion.