It will be sometime before you can read this note and even longer before you understand some things I may say. Since that is the case, I though I would leave record of my thoughts.
The other day we went for your 4 month check up. Everything went good and you are growing as you should. Just like your 2 month visit you had to get shots, three to be exact, and I assumed you would treat them like last time…you took it like a champ. Well, me being the unlearned goddad I didn’t know that pain at 2 months didn’t register for you like pain at 4 months.
When the nurse inserted the needle for the first shot I was looking in your eyes trying to distract you like last time and we were making funny faces together until the pinch of the needle. You got straight faced, then like slow motion you went into a wide mouth, eyes closed, painfully anguished look the started with a low pitched escalating to a ear piercing cry that was new to me.
By the way you actually had real flowing tears, maybe for the first time.
I didn’t know what to do, I felt helpless. You looked into my eyes and screamed for help, but I couldn’t. I tried to walk you, hold you, feed you all to no avail while you continued to look for me to do something I couldn’t do…take the pain away.
Later, when we got home the shots continued to bother you and I was in panic. I didn’t understand…”why is he not calming down” Mommy went home and godmommy was out of town. And silly me it didn’t register to just call somebody, but you had me freaking out!
You did get about 30 minutes of sleep and I sat in the chair and began tearing myself. This was the first time I experienced not being able to help you. I was powerless in actions. Nothing I tried worked and you looked for me to fix it and I couldn’t. I was empty. So much so your mother noticed and she tried to assure me that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, it just something that happens.
Once I saw you the next day and we had our normal time together, I realized I won’t be able to protect you at all times. And sometimes I am going to have to watch you get hurt and work through your situations.
You need to know I am not a perfect man and will make mistakes with you as you grow older, however much time we have together. Just understand that your presence in my life is not by chance and I believe it will benefit us both. What you have done for me at 4 months can’t be measured by anything on this earth.
Just know that I am doing the best I know how to help you in your growth process. Forgive me now for my mistakes, but know I love you and that is what I hope even at this age you can feel.